Toxic Leader or Big Baby?

Toxic leaders can feel threatening and dangerous. What if you’re caught in the cross hairs?

My client was challenged by a toxic leader. It was a peer and they had to work together on a joint problem. They had an urgent meeting scheduled later that afternoon. The toxic leader - let’s call them “TL” - had demonstrated over the past several weeks that they did not actually want to collaborate. They wanted my client to acquiesce to their demands and do things their way. When my client did not do this, it enraged them and escalated things. TL resorted to back channeling, accusing my client of lying and derailing the project. TL made work difficult for my client, their boss as well as both teams who were expected to work together.

Mindset makes a difference
A thought occurred to me as I listened in the session. TL sounded like a big baby. A baby having a temper tantrum. “Mine!” Reaching for the shiny object. Imagine you’re the sibling who has the shiny toy. They scream to Mama/Boss - “Waaah! Mommy s/he hit me! S/he stole it!” (you did neither).

Toxic leaders feel like a threat. It’s easy to get caught in the drama or to fear the damage they could do.

But a baby is not a threat. And what’s most important for the baby? Be an adult. 

1) Keep cool, even though that's very hard to do. 
2) Be the soothing adult who distracts the child and gives them something they need.
3) Don’t be the sibling that pokes or takes a toy away.
Don’t antagonize the baby.

I watched my client relax, smile and sit back a little bit.
How are you feeling about that meeting now? Better, s/he replied. 

We began to strategize how my client would show up for the meeting. 
What prep was needed? When to speak up? What to offer? What questions to ask?

A few hours later my client messaged me after the meeting. It went smoothly. Victory! 

Just because a meeting finally went smoothly does not mean the problem is solved. And there will likely be many more instances where staying calm and being deliberate with tone, words and actions are essential; Nevertheless, it’s a wonderful improvement, something to celebrate and build on.

Does this story resonate with you? Toxic leaders can be very tricky. What’s worked for you? What mindsets, postures or ways-of-being have you used working with a toxic leader? How did this shift your behavior? How did your new attitudes and behaviors produce new or different results?