Crying in the Bathroom at Work Became My Life's Turning Point

I moved to California from the east coast of the United States. I arrived in Silicon Valley fresh out of roles in management consulting and my first tech startup. I’d even had my picture in Fortune magazine by the time I was 24. I had high hopes for product strategy position in large software company. I had made it through a reduction in force (RIF) and the elimination of my boss and team. However, the new role and culture was even more toxic than before and no matter how hard I worked none of it mattered or made a difference. It kept getting worse and then one day I found myself crying in the bathroom. My body was telling me something my mind didn’t want to hear. I was a cog in a machine going nowhere fast. 

Bathroom tears - they happened multiple times - became my tipping point. In fact, they might have been the first time I listened to my body. Things were not okay. I was not okay. Lost and burned out, I followed the advice of a friend, and drove down the jagged California coast to a retreat center in Big Sur, California called Esalen. It was a place that promised healing and transformation.  What started as a weeklong spiritual retreat with a Shaman became nine months of immersion into healing traditions from around the world. 

Big Sur, California

After living at Esalen for a few months, I met a healer who said, “you look like someone who could use some bodywork.” I had no idea what they were talking about, but the offer for free healing work, at a time when I had no income, was too hard to pass up.

What I thought would be a massage, wasn’t. Instead, it was a deep tissue modality designed to release old blocks and aberrations in the body. It was intense, even painful at times, but as I confronted and breathed through the pain, bit by bit I released the armor I had built up over my lifetime so far. I could not believe how different I felt. After the left side of the body was worked, I stood in front of the mirror and was shocked. I was completely lopsided. The left half of my face was softer, my left shoulder was lower, my left leg was straight, and all parts relaxed. In contrast, my right side was more chiseled, sharp, braced for an attack. But thanks to the work on the left, I felt an intense calm, like staring out on a deep blue lake. It was calmer than I could ever recall. My head was still. My mind was quiet. I grinned. Even my smile was lopsided. I felt like I’d been to the dentist and one side had been numbed, the other hadn’t. “Let’s do the other side,” I said.

I didn’t fully grasp it back then, but letting go of old hurt and trauma allowed me to inhabit my body differently; and I soon discovered how much easier it was to be calm when my body was calm. I realized it was easier to think clearly when my body was clearer. Dissolving old trauma that lived as tension and tightness in the muscles and tissue of my body changed my whole perspective. This was the second time in my life that the mind body connection was overwhelmingly evident to me.

If you’re curious about the first time I learned about the power of mind body applied to both life and work you can watch this video to hear that story.

Both stories (and many more) will be shared in my upcoming book. If you haven’t already, sign up for my newsletter using the form at the bottom of this page to stay informed about the book.

Toxic Leader or Big Baby?

Toxic leaders can feel threatening and dangerous. What if you’re caught in the cross hairs?

My client was challenged by a toxic leader. It was a peer and they had to work together on a joint problem. They had an urgent meeting scheduled later that afternoon. The toxic leader - let’s call them “TL” - had demonstrated over the past several weeks that they did not actually want to collaborate. They wanted my client to acquiesce to their demands and do things their way. When my client did not do this, it enraged them and escalated things. TL resorted to back channeling, accusing my client of lying and derailing the project. TL made work difficult for my client, their boss as well as both teams who were expected to work together.

Mindset makes a difference
A thought occurred to me as I listened in the session. TL sounded like a big baby. A baby having a temper tantrum. “Mine!” Reaching for the shiny object. Imagine you’re the sibling who has the shiny toy. They scream to Mama/Boss - “Waaah! Mommy s/he hit me! S/he stole it!” (you did neither).

Toxic leaders feel like a threat. It’s easy to get caught in the drama or to fear the damage they could do.

But a baby is not a threat. And what’s most important for the baby? Be an adult. 

1) Keep cool, even though that's very hard to do. 
2) Be the soothing adult who distracts the child and gives them something they need.
3) Don’t be the sibling that pokes or takes a toy away.
Don’t antagonize the baby.

I watched my client relax, smile and sit back a little bit.
How are you feeling about that meeting now? Better, s/he replied. 

We began to strategize how my client would show up for the meeting. 
What prep was needed? When to speak up? What to offer? What questions to ask?

A few hours later my client messaged me after the meeting. It went smoothly. Victory! 

Just because a meeting finally went smoothly does not mean the problem is solved. And there will likely be many more instances where staying calm and being deliberate with tone, words and actions are essential; Nevertheless, it’s a wonderful improvement, something to celebrate and build on.

Does this story resonate with you? Toxic leaders can be very tricky. What’s worked for you? What mindsets, postures or ways-of-being have you used working with a toxic leader? How did this shift your behavior? How did your new attitudes and behaviors produce new or different results? 

Center Yourself and Your Team in 3 Minutes (or Less)

You know how it feels to begin a meeting when all the attendees are wildly distracted. Most leaders are in back-to-back meetings, with barely enough time to go to the bathroom let alone collect themselves and their thoughts to be fully available.

At some point you’ve also probably experienced a guided grounding exercise that helped you and others let go of the stressors and unprocessed emotions of the day. Maybe it was led by a meditation teacher, a yoga instructor or some other wellness guru. Whenever possible, it’s powerful to have this kind of guidance. But you could also lead a centering exercise on your own. You don’t have to be an expert, just bring your intent for clarity and calm and let this 3 minute script below do the rest. Suggestion: read it slowly.

You may have heard the phrase go slow to go fast. Before we get in to the content of today’s meeting, let’s deliberately slow down for a few minutes. For this you can have your eyes open or closed.

Start to notice your breathing. As you breathe, where does it go, where does it flow?

[pause]

Notice the speed. Notice the depth of each breath.

[pause]

Next I invite you to feel your seat on the seat…

Feel your feet on the floor.

Observe all other points of contact – perhaps your arm resting on the chair.

[pause]

Now if your body was divided front and back, how much of your energy and awareness is in front of you? How much energy and awareness do you have behind you?

[pause]

If your body was divided left and right, how evenly distributed are you between the two sides?

[pause]

Now I invite you to scan your entire body, as if you were looking at it on a radar screen. What parts of your body blip on that screen and get your attention? Notice any areas of tension or tightness.

[pause]

Now once again, observe the breath. Noticing its speed, its rhythm.

Notice the depth of each breath.

[pause]

And now we’ll slowly return to the room, no need to hurry.

Note: You might debrief immediately afterwards to help participants digest and internalize this self-awareness process. Just ask for a volunteer or two to share:

• How was that for you?

• What shifted in you as you slowed down to observe your body?

3 Critical Ways Leaders Increase and Access Alignment

Why Access Alignment, you ask? Aside from a love of alliteration, and a penchant for un-sexy brand names, I chose this name because it felt big enough to encapsulate three of the most important things we do:

1. Leading Purposefully: access alignment with your values
We continually witness and I’ve personally experienced how powerful it is to align purpose with path. When leaders align their values with their everyday actions:
- Everything falls into place.
- There is flow.
- Work can be done with greater ease, fulfillment and enjoyment.
- It’s not so heavy, burdensome or tiring.
- Impact multiplies.

2. Leading Fully as a Whole Person: access alignment with all parts of yourself
We know about IQ. We’re increasingly familiar with EQ and how this is essential for leading well. Very few understand or utilize SQ. In fact, what the heck is SQ?
SQ = soma (body) quotient. This is not even standard nomenclature yet but you’ve likely heard others touch on this untapped super power. Amy Cuddy, PhD taught us Power Poses. Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD explains how The Body Keeps the Score. And I learned from a decade of training in ZenBodytherapy® that our physical alignment - how we sit, stand and move - dramatically impacts how we think and feel. So increasing alignment physically and tapping into the brilliance of your body is something particularly potent. When you attune to all parts of yourself - head, heart and body:
- You connect more deeply with yourself, with others and the world around you.
- You increase empathy.
- You increase your capacity to be inclusive with others.
- It’s easier to create psychological safety.
- You know how to increase your own sense of safety in a world mired with triggers and trauma.
- You open doors and opportunities for yourself and for others.

3. Leading with Impact and Leverage: access alignment with others
When you’ve increased alignment within yourself, gaining alignment with others is a much easier, organic process. It’s far easier to craft a vision and embody it such that others are naturally drawn to it.
When you’ve done the groundwork of #1 and 2 above:
- You’re naturally more curious, humble, open and able to make adjustments or corrections when needed.
- You gain traction and influence.
- Generating or accessing alignment in your teams and in groups is easier and even exhilarating.
- Teamwork, collaboration, innovation, efficiency, and productivity soars.

How to Reduce Anxiety with Breathing - Short and Long Term Solutions

Photo by Bartochette on Unsplash

We're often told to breathe to reduce stress but did you know?…

How you breathe can either help or hinder your progress. The nervous system is soothed by one type of breath - a breath that is low and slow - and agitated by a different type of breath - breath that is fast, shallow and high in the ribcage.

When you feel anxious the breath naturally speeds up and it typically rises up in the chest. Prolonged anxiety can create a physical pattern of tightness in the ribcage as the body repeats this shallow breathing. Shallow anxiety breath becomes the norm. And as shallow breathing increases so does the anxiety.

It’s a chicken and egg scenario:
You feel anxious and therefore the breath is shallow OR
the breath is shallow and therefore you feel anxious. 

 In either case, shallow breathing does not help.

To reduce anxiety in the short term and for instant stress relief, breathe slowly and lower in your abdomen. You can use a simple 4-count breath or just practice exhaling for longer than you normally would.

To take this a step further, deliberately pay attention to the weight of your body on your chair. Allow yourself to relax more into your chair as you breathe. You can use gravity and the sensation of relaxing down as a practice whenever you notice self-doubt or the inner critic popping up. Since the breath moves upward with anxiety, consciously drawing your attention downward helps counter the pattern.

For immediate and short-term relief for anxiety, remember: breathe low and slow.

If you find yourself feeling continually anxious for no apparent reason or if you find that your anxiety level does not match the severity of the incident that triggered it, you’ll greatly benefit from a more permanent and long-term solution. To gain long-term relief you need to change the mechanics of how you breathe and you do this by undoing the pattern of contraction in the body.

The body is pliable. Our life experiences shape us. When we brace ourselves for conflict or a challenging event our body is doing something. It is tightening or bracing. If a pattern repeats itself long enough, we become hard wired. This happens with our neurons and it happens with the fabric of our body.

Different healing modalities work with the body and can release these reactive patterns that have hardened the body over time. Working with a somatic (body) based practitioner can help.

In the case of anxiety, Chi Nei Tsang is a modality that can be especially powerful. Chi Nei Tsang helps undo the pattern of tension that is held in the belly and rib cage. Over the course of several years of receiving Chi Nei Tsang the tight anxiety breath pattern can unravel. When the rib cage is no longer restricted the diaphragm can move more freely and expansively. With more room to move, the breath can flow lower in the abdomen and it expands the ribcage in all directions (front, back, and both sides). With this type of breathing the body is telling the brain "you are safe” and “all is well.”

Regulate before you react

Ever wish you could rewind your reaction? Here’s why breathing is such a big deal.

For all who wish to be more proactive and less reactive:

Share this with anyone who experiences stress or anyone who is doing something for the first time.

Time Management Trick for New Habits

As we kick of a new year and a new decade, many of us gear up for personal and professional improvement. In order to improve something in your life a typical approach is to make time for a new practice. You have to add time to make it happen. If you want to lose weight, you start going to the gym. To make more money, you increase the amount of work. To be more present, you wake up earlier and meditate. But if you are a leader in any capacity your life is already full of things to do. For the perpetually busy, what could be more stressful than adding yet one more task?

An alternative approach would be to subtract. If you want to lose weight, eat less. If you want more money, spend less. If you want to be happier see what Bob Newhart says in this SNL skit. (If only it were that easy.) 

But what if there’s another option; something neither additive nor deductive. Rather than starting something new, or stopping something old just shift what you’re already doing.

You already have to breathe, eat, drink and transport yourself from one place to another. You already attend meetings and have 1-1 conversations.  How can you make the most of these moments? Here are a few examples of what our clients have done:

A seasoned VP felt constantly edgy and combative with the less experienced co-founders of his startup. A shift in his morning commute made all the difference. Instead of a news packed radio hour full of the latest shootings and world problems he listened to his favorite up-beat music. The music made him smile and he naturally felt more at ease and happy when he entered the office each day. He was less tense right out of the gate and therefore more open to their fresh ideas and perspectives. 

For an engineer who wanted to speak more clearly and succinctly it wasn’t as simple as stopping his habit of speaking fast or rambling. For him, the shift was in posture, from slouching to standing straight instead. First, this unraveled patterns of tension and anxiety in his body. Second, it signaled to his brain that he didn’t need to be casual, slouchy or buddy-buddy with his co-workers. He needed to stand comfortably tall and in alignment. He practiced improving his posture daily during regular meetings. Nothing changed in his schedule, he just used meeting time more productively by practicing posture while listening and engaging. This micro shift practiced repeatedly over time led him to a game-changing conversation with a top level exec. He calmly and succinctly shared his idea and his skip-level superior quickly adopted it and rolled it out to the rest of the organization.

A new partner in a firm wanted to increase engagement with her team. When a move from the city to the suburbs increased her commute time she used her drive time as a valuable time to shift gears, connect, and have important conversations with her directs. She learned things about them and issues for the company as a whole that she would have missed had she not invested the time in connecting with them.

But wait, this sounds too simple. In Legacy, James Kerr tells the story about the famous All Blacks rugby team famous for their haka - a mighty ritual they use at the start of a match. According to Kerr such shifts are game changing. The All Blacks take their shifts to a new level by making them rituals. “You must ritualize to actualize.”

Step back…consider the flow and pattern of your day. Where could you simplify, slow down and be more deliberate? What small shift in effort will generate maximum return for you?  What purpose are you trying to fulfill right now and what’s the easiest way to integrate that purpose into things you are already doing?  This is where rubber hits the road. Cultivate habits that are uniquely powerful for you based on your specific purpose and your daily patterns. Then chart a path that starts where you are.

Success Stories

The executives I’ve coached who have had the most success are the ones who persistently incorporate a daily physical practice that helps them embody the person they wish to become.
Maya jokingly called herself a robot: "Coffee in, powerpoint out..." Eyes glazed, she overrode her fatigue with caffeine and anxiety-induced adrenalin to churn out data rich presentations. As she learned to listen to her body, she discovered that cold feet was her body’s warning sign that she was feeling stressed, and it became a trusted signal for her to set limits on her relentless workload. Though uncomfortable at first, putting her foot down and taking a stand garnered more respect from colleagues and clients, not less.

In Stuart’s case, speaking clearly and succinctly was paramount. He didn't realize it, but his tendency to slouch was part of the problem. His intention to make others feel comfortable or less intimidated didn’t actually work - for them or for him. He discovered that sitting and standing in alignment felt more comfortable and helped him stay calm during high-stakes presentations. This new calmness helped him focus and as a result he became more clear and concise.

For Alek, a tightly wound CEO, clowning around and making silly sounds and faces helped him lighten up as a leader, husband and parent of two kids. For all of my clients, self-awareness is fundamental. Managing their bodies is a game changer because it instantly reduces stress and allows them to be strategic and deliberate rather than tense and reactive. It also helps them feel more energized, creative, happy and whole.